Arknar find lava lamp in Denise’s closet when she move out of her old apartment. She say to Arknar it not work. Arknar ask if she ever actually try it. Denise not answer. Arknar suspect Denise not want lamp to work so Arknar not want to keep it.

Lamp not really do anything special. Arknar not quite sure where lava factor into all this. When sun go down, Arknar find out it not very good at being a lamp either. Like most things, lamp could be improved by fire.

Perhaps, lamp need lava to make apartment not dark?

Under deeper inspection, Arknar find that lamp has cord like everything else in God-damned future. How Arknar supposed to use lamp to frighten herd off cliff if lamp need to fuck wall to make light?

When Arknar let lamp fuck wall, lamp work like other lamps do. No lava, not yet. Arknar relieved lava not explode out of lamp like fire-mountain. Looking back, Arknar no know why him even turn on lamp if he think that possibility.

Eventually stuff in lamp start to move around. Arknar hit lamp to try make stuff go back down and Arknar burn hand. Artknar find most that most things that make light tend to burn Arknar hand. That kind of thing Arknar would have been perfectly happy not knowing.

Arknar’s final word? “Lava Lamp Bad”

In interest of full disclosure, Arknar just come out and say this: Arknar love Red Sox ice cream sandwiches. Arknar’s opinion of Red Sox ice cream sandwiches directly influenced by Arknar’s admitted love for them. This far from unbiased review.

But honestly, how could it be? Red Sox ice cream sandwiches delicious. Who could say they not love Red Sox ice cream sandwiches? Liar; that who. Or maybe someone who not had one. If you either one, Arknar suggest you consider changing your ways.

First off, they awesome. Arknar not just mean that to say they impressive and that the prospect of eating one excite Arknar. Arknar also mean that all other ice cream sandwiches lay humbled before Red Sox ice cream sandwiches. They not simply superior, they divine. “God increamate.” The Lord made ice cream. They as far beyond ice cream sandwiches as ice cream sandwiches beyond sandwiches.

Comparing regular ice cream sandwiches to Red Sox ice cream sandwiches very much like comparing apples to caramel apples. Red Sox ice cream sandwiches have a stripe of golden caramel running through the middle. Just like stripe on the on side of Arknar’s bitchin’ 1994 Honda Accord, it makes them go faster.

Arknar can polish of a box of eight in one night if need be. If that what circumstances demand. Sadly, that usually not the case. Denise always absconded with sandwich or two despite Arknar’s specific declaration of dibs based on the grounds that Denise has her own damn ice cream. It not Arknar’s fault Denise buy herself lowfat (garbage) ice cream. Arknar not make Red Sox ice cream sandwiches so delicious that it make Arknar’s head hurt trying to fathom why other ice cream exist. Arknar not one who make Denise’s ice cream taste bad.

Who would do that anyway? Who would, or even could make ice cream taste not good? Is it even ice cream if it not delicious? It remind Arknar of old truesim: Call bear beaver, but bear not build dam, beaver just bite face. Parable loses meaning if you never been mauled.

You trust Arknar, analogy applicable.

In summation: Red Sox ice cream sandwiches good, bullshit garbage ice cream bad.